THE UPCOMING DEBATE FOR ROMNEY WILL HAVE TO BE A MASTER DEBATE.

With polls widening even further in Obama's favor after Romney's 'fundraiser-gate' (to paraphrase his 'inelegant' remarks: '47% of Americans are tax cheating, benefit-sucking lowlifes'), the upcoming debates loom extremely large for both candidates. To show you how important it is for Romney, when he isn't sporadically campaigning or 'autumning' in his NH lakehouse, he's spending virtually all of his time debate prepping.

The stakes are huge for the former governor. He must win back his fleeing electorate by convincing them he is a viable candidate for '100%' of the people as well as show he has a 'specific' plan for America. To use the proverbial boxing metaphor, he needs to score a 'knockout' punch, or at the very least, land some heavy blows that catch his opponent off guard and win on points. This will tighten the 'swing state' races, put all future debates in play and make it close until November.

For Obama, a killer performance could be the nail in the coffin that he needs to make his current campaign momentum unstoppable. He needs to make Romney look like the guy they've already been portraying thus far: an automaton who can't relate to the average Joe (or Jane or Jose) and is out to screw the middle class. If the President wins on decision, it could be enough to go the distance but a TKO or a KO would almost assure an early end to the race (barring some kind of major fuckup) and he could pretty much pop the Prosecco on Oct. 3rd (unintentional alliteration).

Because of the singular importance of this first debate, I have thought up some handy tips for both candidates on how they can punch (or in Romney's case, 'sail') their way to victory:

OBAMA
- Don't be Apollo Creed. In other words, don't get too cocky. Remember the scene in Rocky when Creed is doing business on the phone while his bald assistant watches Balboa train by hitting the beef in a subzero meat locker? Creed didn't take Rocky seriously. Imagine Obama in a similar scenario: he's on the phone in Oval Office yelling at Hillary, eating a pastrami sandwich and going over his daily briefing while Axelrod watches Romney doing his debate prep on TV by adeptly sailing past buoys which have key planks of his platform on cue cards. There would never have been a Rocky II if Creed had trained properly. I rest my case.

ROMNEY
- Fuck being a human. Who are we trying to kid, you are who you are, don't change this late in the game by removing the stick out of your anus. All we hear about from people who claim to know you is how great you are in business meetings. Well, treat this debate as one huge powerpoint demonstration and all of America are your employees. Be detailed and precise and anal, just like we expect you to be. Correct Obama if you find he's wrong. Make it seem like you're in charge. The problem up to now is you show amazing glimpses of rigid uppercrustiness, but you're not really saying anything. Or if you are, it's on tape and that's what you call 'off the cuff', which is code for 'being honest'. So be factual, detailed and specific. Embrace your inner Gekko, and I don't mean the insurance company.

Since debates are often measured by who looks more presidential, here are some ideas as to how to throw the other candidate off guard.....

HOW TO THROW ROMNEY OFF GUARD
- Talk about science. Science reminds us of technology and technology reminds us of iPhones. The logic here is if you can paint Romney as anti-science, then he will be viewed as against talking on the phone, i.e. backwards. Pin him down on his belief in Darwinism, global warming, supply-side economics. If Obama can put Romney on a retro lazy susan and put it in a nice package with a pretty 'W' on it, he's won. The public will think he's like a grumpy old Dad who's against change and they will not want to vote for him. I was going to say 'old boxer' but I think I've dropped that metaphor now.

HOW TO THROW OBAMA OFF GUARD

- Present a more detailed policy than Obama. He won't be expecting this from you, Mitt. Act like you're the only one thinking about stuff. Probably the best thing to speak about is energy, although your current plan is ridiculously centered on oil and coal. But if you can state a detailed 'energy' policy that looks towards the future and ties it to foreign policy, i.e., with my plan, we wouldn't have all this Middle East mess, then you might have an opening. If you have reasoned ideas and seem fair, the public will think you're like a responsible Dad and want to vote for you.

Most debates are measured in gaffes, like Ford's 'Poland is not communist' or great lines like Reagan's 'there you go again'. While you can't control the other person's gaffes, you can come up with some great lines....

KILLER COUNTERPUNCHES

OBAMA.
Russia
Lie in wait for anytime Romney mentions Russia then jump on it and say: 'You mean the Russia that you said was our number one enemy? I think I read about that on your myspace page.' (or something funnier) Face. Or 'I guess we also have to worry about Sputnik, too'. Don't be too smarmy or else it could backfire.
47
If Obama tries to mention any number close to 50 during the debate, all you have to do is say, 'I thought 47 was more your number'? Literally, that's all you have to say. It trivializes his argument (whatever it was) and makes a joke about Romney and does it in a very subtle way without hitting it on the head. Boom.
ROMNEY
Guns and Religion
You have to have a comeback for the '47' and surrogates have already been dredging up Obama's 2008 comments about rural voters 'cling to their guns and religion'. So if Obama makes a big deal out of the '47' comment, you say, 'I want those 47 percent to join the 53 percent to make 100 percent, but you catergorize them as 'what did you say' bitter because they cling to guns and religion'? That will probably equalize things as best you can, now move on.

Focus on the next 4 years....

'Based on what you've seen [give a list], will you be better off in the next four years?' It's risky, but if you have policy to back it up and Obama's not doing very well in the debate, it will be effective, make a nice spin on Reagan's line and definitely get into the news-o-sphere the next day.

So, there you have it -- free advice. Whoever uses it, will win. It's that simple. But I do want credit or you will get a call from my personal attorney.

CLINT EASTWOOD WAS A DISTRACTION FROM

ROMNEY'S MESSAGE: WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA.

The following is a typical conversation the day after the 2012 Republican National Convention:

Office Worker #1: Hey, did you see the convention last night?

Office Worker #2: No, I had Pilates. Did I miss much? How did Romney do?

Office Worker #1: Clint Eastwood spoke to an invisible Obama on an empty chair.

Office Worker #2: What?

Office Worker #1: I know, it's really fucked up. Come over to my desk, I've got it on Adobe Flash.

And there lies the collective takeaway by Joe and Jane 'Plumber' Sixpack of this year's GOP convention. Yes, there were a lot of speeches by 2016 presidential wannabes like Marco Rubio and Chris Christie (and a neverending supply of Republican women pretending to be happy); yes, there were copious amounts of Obama 'You-didn't-build-that' bashing and stirring up of the rabid Republican base; yes, there was lots of talk by Romney of 'optimistic nostalgia' and roses; but what will be remembered in the days and years ahead above all else is that on August 31, 2012, Clint Eastwood spoke to a fucking chair.

Now many political pundits and journalists have described this rambling, ad lib Dirty Harry Debacle as an unwelcome distraction from Romney's message. Instead of talking about the headliner the next day, insiders complain that everyone was discussing the message of Mr. Every Which Way But Loose, complete with 'make my days' and 'do what to myselves?'.

I must take issue with this analysis. Instead of castigating this speech as an embarrassing and unfortunate incident, we should actually be lauding it as a fortuitous moment for Mr. Romney's campaign. In fact, I will even go so far as to say that if this whole series of events with Bronco Billy was intentional, it is an act of sheer genius.

Now follow my three-pronged logic here because it's ironclad:

1. The Presidential race is tight and is going to stay tight up until November.

The days of the 20-point post-convention bump are over. Most likely, with no major fuckups on Obama's side, the two candidates will remain neck and neck by the end of this week. And barring any major 'Poland is not Communist' blunders in the debates, the race will remain perilously close right up to the election. It could literally go down to which candidate doesn't make any mistakes.

2. Therefore, all Romney had to do in his convention speech was not say or do anything stupid.

He is a presentable candidate who cleans up nice and has an Olan Mills photo frame family. The bar was set very low for Romney to come out shining. All he had to do was read his policy free speech just one notch higher than the level set at 'William Hurt' for him to look like a wellspring of emotion.

3. But just to be on the safe side, what would set the bar even lower?

Let's face it, there's not a lot of policy meat in Romney's speech so he's open to some criticism even if he reads it adequately. How, then, can his advisers provide a setting in which Romney cannot possibly ruin his chances and yet also be perceived as a substantial voice of reason? Easy peasy lemon squeezy--simply provide a smokescreen; a crazy distraction which would make everyone shift focus on this person and ultimately forget Romney's performance -- a babbling 'secret' celebrity --Mr. Million Dollar Boo Boo himself.

Now, we can debate about whether this Pale Rider Rant was planned or not by the Romney team (personally, in a convention where even the number of balloons dropped on American Samoa is calculated, I find it extremely difficult to believe that Firefox and his Obama Borscht Belt routine slipped under the radar) but you cannot deny that whatever the intent, Romney has come out smelling like the rose he spoke of in his speech. He got a little bump in the polls and he's back on the trail relatively unscathed and free until the next round of intense national scrutiny: the Oct. 3 Presidential Debates.

Space Cowboys' speech was like one of those great gridiron misdirection plays (Go Cornhuskers!) where all eyes are focused on the running back (the Eiger Sanction) and the quarterback (Romney) jaunts across the goal line. Or, if you naively believe this was a fortunate accident, it's like the movie Office Space when Ron Livingston's character, Peter Gibbons, is just about to admit embezzling from his firm, when the entire office complex burns down. He gets away scot free.

Exactly the same thing happened to Romney (we will skip the embezzlement reference). Instead of being dissected and held up to the fire for being vague, factually distortive or downright boring, Honkytonk Man acted as the fire. He took all the heat. Romney waved to the crowd while brushing off the soot on his suit. Now he's got a spring in his step and is more confident than ever.

So with the Democratic National Convention upon us, the honus is now on President Obama. Should he go for it and try to give a flawless and inspiring speech like in 2008? Should he try and knock one out of the park by defending the last four years, laying down some detailed future-oriented policy planks but possibly leaving himself open to critique? Or should he take a page out of the Romney 'trick' playbook? I propose the latter and play it safe.

Why not -- and just open your minds up a bit to some blue-sky thinking -- why not book Roseanne Barr to sing the national anthem Thursday night? People will definitely be talking about her crotchgrab the next day and not Obama's speech. Or what about Kanye West interrupting the President by jumping up on stage shouting, 'Beyonce deserves to be President, not you!' Or what if Axelrod schedules a Justin Timberlake/Rihanna dance number during prime time and he rips off her dress to reveal 'You Didn't Build This Either' panties.

Or perhaps the safest bet of all. I don't even know if he's a Democrat (but from his speech, I don't even know if Unforgiven is a Republican), but he would by far be the most distracting speaker of all: Charlie Sheen. Just slip him into the lineup (with some vodka and xanax) right before Obama's address. He'd walk out to confused cheers with a T-shirt saying 'Romney: Losing!' flanked by two prostitutes (porn stars will do). He will curse at an inanimate object (I recommend a hat rack), then be escorted off the stage by some burly Secret Servicemen (who also take the prostitutes away ba doom). Imagine the scuttlebutt at the water coolers of America the next day? They certainly won't be discussing any delicate climate meltdown, no siree, they'll be chattering about celebrity meltdown...and the President would ultimately be ignored and live to fight another day, just like Romney.

So Mr. President and trusted advisers, I realize that I am just a lowly blogger from blogsville and you have no reason to accept or even listen to my advice. But take it from me, cut your losses. Play it safe. Wait until the debates to make your move, and even if that becomes a wash, let the ad blitzes do your bidding. Just don't make any unforced errors right now. There's too much at stake.

On Thursday night, I implore you, don't slow the rise of the oceans and heal the planet right now, just have a simple, all-American psychopath introduce you at this year's convention.

We're counting on you.

Last month, Rich Fulcher and His Fucked Up Friends was unveiled to a packed house full of fun-loving lunatics at the incredible new venue, The Vandella, in Shepherd's Bush. The night featured American funnywoman Morgan Murphy (Late Night w/Jimmy Fallon), David Gregory (Matt Lucas Awards) and Shenoah Allen (one half of the Pajama Men) and me. TOTAL UNMITIGATED SUCCESS.

This month, we will officially make it a tradition! I love traditions because they remind me of something that happens a lot, which I believe is very traditional.

So far we have on the bill the frenetic funnies of shit hot Thom Nelstrop (For the Win, Rich Fulcher and His F***d Up Friends theme tune composer), musical comedy from Carly Smallman (she was not on the bill last month because she lost her voice but I promise she's here this time!) and Abandoman (improv hip hop sellouts all over the world with world credentials - WORLD).

Buy your tickets here now and become part of a comedy tradition. It's cheaper if you order online. At the door, it's a little bit more, a little bit more.....

TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE HERE.

NOTE: Unfortunately, Simon Day can't make it so please ignore his presence on the bill. I will force him to come another night with my knees. Stay tuned for any new announcements on my site.

Teacher: Billy, can you say the word 'politics' in a sentence?

Billy: Sure, Polly the Parrot swallowed a clock and now Polly ticks.

Haw haw haw. See? Politics can be fun!

Find out how much fun next week at the Soho Theatre in:

Rich Fulcher's Guide to the U.S. Elections

That's right. I must confess. I'm a political junky. I live, breathe and eat circus juice.....and U.S. politics. And this election has so much going on I can't help but tell you about it with mouth grunts and prison groans.

Here are a few of the things this show will cover:

• Top-notch analysis as to why Mitt Romney makes robots saucy.

• Donuts? Donuts? Donuts?

• What's happened so far in the Republican primaries.

• Political experts and comics will debate why Obama is saving his second term for 'saxes' or sexy taxes.

• I will run around with a worm.

PLEASE NOTE: This show has never been performed and therefore never reviewed so please see this 6-star show before it tours the Northeast part of Iowa.

"Before this show, I knew nothing about U.S. elections, but after seeing Rich Fulcher's show, now I can honestly say I know less." -- nonexistent jerk

"I love Lady GaGa" -- Lady GaGa

Can I be honest with you? I never have done a show like this before and I'd love it if you could see me but not today, at the theatre. There are chairs there for most of the show. You will love the drinks and smells that are piped in from down the street. No Danes on Thursdays.

18 April - 21 April 9:45pm.

SPECIAL GUESTS TBA

Buy tickets and look at me here:

http://sohotheatre.com/whats-on/rich-fulchers-guide-to-the-u-s-elections/

Check out a new night I'm doing this MONDAY 9th APRIL called "Rich Fulcher and his Fucked up Friends" at the Vandella, Shepherds Bush. It's different from Fulchfest because it's got a different name (hence the different name). Tickets are available here via ticket web.

I know it's on a bank holiday but when have banks ever stopped you from doing anything fun? (don't answer). It's a great night filled with stand- up, music, weird events, all in a great new venue filled with gloop.

I've really tried hard to get a line- up of alternative and well known comics you don't normally see in a club setting.

So, Rich, who are your f****d up f*****s?

TOM NELSTROP A budding comic sensation. Watch this guy- he's shit on wheels!

CARLY SMALLMAN Improviser and comedy music phenom. She has been described by Rob Brydon as "fantastic". This is fact.

SHENOAH ALLEN One half of the five- star, surreal, world- touring, boffo comedy pair The Pajama Men. Watch him solo as you've never seen him before- hopefully with his block and tackle out. "Shenoa killed me"- some dead guy.

MORGAN MURPHY She's a writer, actress and stand up from the State of Americas. One of the original writers on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, she's also performed on the Comedians of Comedy tour.

- Oh, and then there's ME.

PLUS WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST COMING MONDAY NIGHT WHO I CAN'T MENTION BUT HIS APPEARANCE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND BECAUSE YOU WON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU GET TO SEE ALL THIS FUCKING COMEDY IN ONE COOL VENUE.

Phew. What a night. Please come. If I get a turnout, it could be a monthly (or even hourly) event. Again, tickets are available here via ticket web.

Zippy Kai Yay, Mutha Lump Lumps!